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Wade trying to survive 'Survivor'

Former SBU soccer coach says reality show humbled him.

By Matt Baker
mbaker2@news-leader.com

Former Southwest Baptist University women's soccer coach Ben Wade said
filming the television show "Survivor" and trying to survive in the
Brazilian Highlands was easy.

The hard part came after he returned to the United States.

Wade was fired by SBU in February, less than a week after the reality show's
season premiere. At the time, players told the News-Leader that Wade said he
had to leave the team in the middle of the season for cancer treatment.
SBU athletic director Brent Good said then that Wade told him he would be
gone for a week but was out for two months - a claim the coach disputes.

When Wade was fired, he said he would be "made out to be the hero" and would
change the show by playing honestly, but critics called him arrogant and a
misogynist. Yahoo! named him one of the 10 worst characters in reality TV
history. Wade said his portrayal on the show has humbled him.

Wade finished fifth on "Survivor," which ended last month, and said he hopes
to get back into coaching and continue acting. With CBS' ban on speaking to
the media lifted, Wade recently met with the News-Leader to talk about his
dismissal from SBU and his portrayal on the show.

When asked about some of Wade's comments in this interview, SBU replied by
e-mail: "He is no longer employed here. We do not comment on personnel
matters."

On life since the show premiered:

I've got to tell you, Matt, the last four months for me have been awesome. The older you get, the more set in your ways you become. You can't grow when you're on the mountain. You can't grow. The last four months have been, without question, the most difficult in my life. I've been under attack. My reputation, people calling me a liar, made me look like a jackass on "Survivor," lose my career. It's, like, what do I have left? You literally can say that in the last four months, I've had just about everything taken away from me that you can have taken away. It's in those valleys that you really grow.

I could hold on to two things during that time. One of them was my faith in God, that I was meant to go down to Brazil. I still attest to this. I was meant to be on "Survivor," and everything that happened after that was meant to happen. I think for one part is to grow me and to stretch me and make me look at myself and say, "Man, you really do have a spirit of arrogance. You've got to turn it down with a spirit of humbleness." It taught me that I was, like, really set in my ways and overly critical of people.

I got the worst edit possible. I had everybody from the cast calling me during the season saying, "I am so sorry." … They knew it was tough on me because they were, like, "That's not you at all. You encouraged us every day. You helped us. You gave away your food." That's why I lost so much weight out there, because I gave away all my food. I told you that. So it's, like, I thought they were going to show that part. When we talked, I was, like, I walked away as a warrior. I didn't lie. I didn't leave anybody any room to cut me down. Then to have the opposite of that happen was very humbling. I had my faith in God, and I had the fact that deep down inside, there was this person here that could be almost broken but not completely broken.

I say that it's been an awesome four months because it's been a tough four months. But had it been "Coach Wade's the man" - it would have been the same kind of mentality that I had before I went. "Survivor" changed me. It changed who I was because I was able to look at myself in the worst light, in the darkest moments, in the most preposterous and pompous things that I would say. And I was able to look at that from other people's eyes, and it was such a negative reaction that I told myself, "You better change something. You better change something. You better get a spirit of humility or else in those dark moments you're going to turn people off." And I don't ever want to do that again. You don't ever want to do that when you're a Christian, you don't ever want to do that when you're a coach. I think that because God brought me down here that I was able to get a new perspective on who I was.

On being dismissed from SBU. CBS did not allow him to comment after allegations arose that he told his team he had cancer:

It wasn't sinking in. I was hurt. Things did not go down the way they appeared. It killed me because I wanted to talk - I like talking, I like talking to reporters. I wanted to tell my side, and I couldn't. From that time that we talked until now, I've changed by being more humble. You do things in life … as much as we want to say, as much as I want to say, I'm not going to take credit, you take credit. Eventually it becomes all about your achievement. Whether I'm sitting there saying, you know what, Matt, I'm the greatest, thanks to God. I'm the man, thanks to God. Doesn't matter. You can't hear what I'm saying because of my actions. They're so loud that you're not going to hear anything that I'm saying …

Without question, it's made me more humble. It's made me sad because I feel like I look back on my life and I see all these things that God has blessed me with. I wasn't a symphony conductor. It fell in my lap. I took it as my focus and said, "I'm going to be a good symphony conductor." He blessed me with that, and I started taking credit for it. Being a soccer coach? Before I started coaching soccer, there was not one coach in my whole life I can say I patterned myself after. … But I took that, and I took that philosophy and I started taking credit for it.

All of a sudden I'm thrust here on "Survivor," and I'm thinking to myself, "Damn, I'm the man. Look at this. I said a year ago I was going to be on 'Survivor,' and not only did I get on 'Survivor,' but I'm one of the biggest characters on 'Survivor.' " I started taking credit for the things that God has blessed me with. So I realized through this whole process that I'm more humbled. It's not all about me. I could have balanced that.

I said it was confidence, but, really, it was arrogance. I could have balanced that by saying I give back to the community. I've always given my time - and I am - I have sacrificed myself so much for my assistant coaches for my soccer teams. I've kind of balanced it out, but it doesn't forgive the fact that I'm walking around saying that I'm the man. So it's made me more humble. It's made me think that it's not about Coach, it's much more about God and recognizing that he's blessed me in life.

And it's made me less critical. When you're a coach for 13 years, and your life depends on picking apart people's weaknesses, that's what I did. I saw myself doing that on "Survivor." For me to make it to the final five and be as strong as I was, I had to do a lot of things right down there. You weren't seeing the whole story. You were seeing the negative part of it. But I took that part and said, "Wow, I was really negative and I was very critical of those people. Relax, and stop taking things so seriously." And that kind of evolved from 13 years of coaching and being critical of players because that's my job. But in the personal relationships maybe being a little bit too over critical.

On what he learned from "Survivor":

Brendan taught me a lot that one night when he was, like, "Coach, go through one night not complaining about how you're sleeping." He said that, and it was like a challenge. I was, like, "OK, absolutely." I sat there miserable, and I was, like, this is uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything. The next morning I was like, "Ha! I proved you wrong." He's, like, "I bet you can't do it another night." What it taught me was, "Hey, stop complaining, man. being critical of others, being critical of your situation." I don't want to be one of those people who's always complaining another time.

I will say that when I saw the final episode of myself on exile and kind of saw that they had taken a character from here, brought him way down here, then kind of put him out with a semi-heroic exit, it kind of made sense. Two weeks before that, I was talking to someone at CBS … I said, "I really wish they had portrayed me in a different way." …

I would say this: I think that a lot of things were taken out of context. Brendan and I don't get along. But the one tribal where I talked to him about the leadership, and he was laughing, and they showed him laughing, he called me and was, like, "Hey, just so you know, Dragon Slayer, just so you know, I actually wasn't laughing." … They would take instances like that, take a lot of things out of context where I would say to the group, "Hey, you know what, Candace, you did a good job …" Then I was, like, "Listen, man, we sucked ass today. The bottom line is we lost. We've got to stop losing." Instead of taking the encouragement, they would take that last thing out of context. If I were really that abrasive out there, then people would have talked about getting rid of me long before they did.

All of these times, you didn't get to see all of that part. You saw all of the (jerk), direct-person who was, like, "Got to win, got to do this, got to change." You didn't see all the positive things. You didn't see the noble things. It was very frustrating for me to sit there.

On people doubting his kayaking expeditions in the Amazon:

There are no clips of people doubting my story that night. The next morning, as if waking up from a nightmare, the producers systematically went to work on every single person. Steven and JT and Debbie and Tyson have all told me this. … They systematically went to work on my character on a daily basis to get that edit that they wanted to drag me through here and bring me out on the other side.

When it's all said and done, I'm glad that they did it. And I am honored by the edit that I got. And I would have been a non-factor going down there. It's made me a stronger person. It's made me look at my life and evaluate things, just like I told you. I'm glad that they gave me that edit. But, man, going through it, it was tough to do.

When I look at All-Stars, if they ever have one, I'm not looking at going down there for two months. I'm looking at what's going to happen afterwards, weighing out the options. "Survivor" was a piece of cake. It was the aftermath that was really tough.

That made it hard. My parents stopped watching halfway through. They said we're not going to watch our son make an ass out of himself or the producers make an ass out of our son on national television. My assistant coaching staff looked at me when I left here and said you basically threw away your career to look like a jackass on television. I'm telling you, Dude, this almost broke me. If I hadn't have had those things that I was telling you about, it would have broken me. To have my inner circle … everybody on the outside saw me as this entertainment guy (and) they loved me. But my inner circle became my outer circle because my inner circle was hurting for me, and they started distancing themselves from me. And it was brutal.

Would he do it again?

I would say probably. It would depend. I prayed about it before I went down there. That was something that I prayed to even now, with my life still in a state of flux and limbo. Am I OK with that? Am I OK with not having a place right now? Am I OK with leaving most of my stuff here? Taking out what I can pack in my car? Am I OK with not having a job, essentially, besides the symphony? Everything's up in the air. I am because I know I was supposed to go down there, because I was in the center of God's world. Everything that happens afterward, whether it's discipline, correction or reward, I'm OK because I know I was supposed to go down there. So if I prayed about it and felt a peace about it, then I would do it again. I would be more scared about the after.

I'll tell you this: I don't know what happens down there, I would not go down there and tell everyone that I did a great job and played nobly. Life is about - when you're in a relationship, what's the worst thing that could happen? You get disappointed. If they expect nothing and you come in here, everybody's going to be, like, "OK." So if I came back and told my parents, "You know what, guys, we'll see what happens. I don't know how they're going to paint me." I think they would have still watched the whole season. But because I told you and everyone else it's going to be up here, and it was down here. I would definitely not tell anybody anything when I came back.

I don't know if I told you or not, but when CBS first called me, and they said, "Congratulations, you're going to be on the show," I said, "When am I going to leave?" They said end of October. I told them no. I said: "I will not leave my team. We're in our best start in history. I'm not leaving." And they went off on me. They said: "Do you know what you're turning down? We're going to blackball you in Hollywood." They were (angry). And I said that's me. You look at the show - I was loyal. I was loyal to a fault. Never went back on my word. … I'm very loyal, and I'm fiercely loyal to those girls that I coach. So I told them no. They were so ticked off at me, they couldn't believe it.

But I didn't really feel peace about that decision. I went to the compliance officer, and I went to (Renae Myles, SBU's Senior Woman Administrator), and the SWA is my boss. I told her in passing, "Can you believe what a fool I am? Ha, ha, ha! I totally turned down this chance of a lifetime, but I did it because I'm loyal to these girls." And she was just, like, "You are crazy." She said: "I think you should reconsider. You look like you're still struggling with this decision."

The next day I came into her office, and I remember exactly what she said to me. She said, "As your sports supervisor," - this is a quote - "As your sports supervisor, I order you to go on 'Survivor.' " I couldn't fault her. I had no idea what was going to come out in the papers - if I had thought that the confidentiality agreement was going to be broken within 24 hours and not by me, and that there was going to be misinformation fed to the newspapers, I would have fought it tooth and nail.

So I called "Survivor" back, I said, "I want to go." They gave me a hard time. They said we need this, this and this … They kept saying, "We don't want you to bail on us. You already bailed on us once."

I wasn't supposed to talk to (Myles) about it because CBS has this confidentiality agreement. You can't tell anybody. They hold that over your head, but I already told her because I told CBS no, and that's why I told her. So I told her, "You realize I'm going to be gone for two months," and she was, like, "I'll handle the athletic director. Don't worry about that." The athletic director (Brent Good) came to me, he said, "Hey, I hear you're leaving. What's going on?" I said, "Look, I'm gone, I don't know when I'm going to be coming back." He said, "Are you going to be gone for more than one week?" I said yes. That's all I told him.

Did Wade tell his team he had cancer?

The thing about cancer - I did not tell the kids that I had cancer, but I wish I would have done it differently. I told them specifically: "I'm going for testing. I'm going to be tested more than I've ever been tested in my life. I have to go. And pray that God shines through me while I'm gone." That was not what I should have told them. I didn't realize that they were going to put two and two together. Right before I left on Friday, I called (SBU). I was down in Miami, getting ready to fly out, and he was, like, everybody here thinks you have cancer. I was, like, you've got to change that. But that's why when I went down there before the game, RealityBlurred.com did a thing on me. I was, like, "My kids back home think I have cancer" - and that's how that came out.

Does he have hard feelings about his dismissal?

I understand. I don't even have any hard feelings against the athletic director because I go on "Survivor," I'm gone for two months. My SWA has ordered me - my boss, because in the NCAA, you've got the athletic director, and then you've got the SWA. … I was continually told, "Go to your sports supervisor for everything." I got her permission to go, she knew I was going to be gone for two months. I come back, and everyone's been praying for me and thinks I have cancer. My athletic director is, like, losing face. Big-time. I have no idea what the SWA told my athletic director. I don't know if she saved her own butt, I don't know what happened. But I understand that when I came back, he needed to make a decision. Everybody's been praying for me, thinks I'm an ass. He has no idea where I've been. I don't hold any grudge. I'm not mad at him. I'm not mad at the school. It's what was supposed to happen.

I actually turned them down - CBS, "Survivor" called me and said, "Congratulations," and I said, "I'm not leaving my girls." I was told to go. I was told, "Think about the great publicity for the school," and it could have been. Had it been handled better. I wish, in retrospect, that I would have gone and told my athletic director before I left, but CBS was, like, "We're going to sue you for $5 million if you break this clause. We'll cancel the season." They just brainwash you before you even go down there. I was feeling major guilt at leaving my team, anyway. That's what I said when I left. That's what I told my boss.

When I came back, it was, like, a total you-know-what . And they needed to have somebody that was a scapegoat, and I felt like it was really unjust. … They actually did not fire me. They told me, "We're not going to renew your contract, so ... "

I felt like a lot of it was unjust, but when you look at things that happen, I think you always have to take your part of it and say, "Could I have handled things better?" And the answer is yes. I could have handled things better with my team, and I could have handled things better by communicating with my athletic director. It was one of those areas where I thought I did the right thing, but it comes back when it's all said and done and you wish you would have done it differently.

How did his players react when he returned?

There were a couple girls that have been dismissed from the team. They were holding some very negative things about me - and I think that they put me in a very negative light. When you look at the team, and you look at 95 percent of the team wanted me to stay. There were girls that walked out on the meeting. All the girls came to watch the premiere party at the church, all the girls on the team - every single one of them came by before I left in March, we had one last BBQ. … They all came by. When there was a possibility of me going to another school, I had a bunch of them ask to transfer. At this point, there's no hurt feelings. They really wish that I was still the coach. I keep in contact with a lot of the girls. I wish them nothing but the best. I hope I can come back for senior day next year.

I'm really proud of those girls - the way they handled the situation. When I came back, they felt like I was dishonest, which I was. I had to be. I didn't flat-out lie to them. I think I could have handled that better. I shouldn't have used the word being "tested." I was telling myself I was going to be tested beyond belief on "Survivor." But it was the wrong choice of words, and I take ownership of that action. But I thought that they were very gracious.

When we had our senior banquet, I came up, with tears in my eyes, and said: "I'm sorry I bailed on you guys. I know I was supposed to go down there, but that doesn't change the fact that I left you guys during the season."

On going to Hollywood:

I remember when I told you that I was going to be the next big thing in Hollywood - how many blogs showed that out there? It's crazy. I wasn't prepared for this at all. I had no idea. I was hurt. I hadn't gone through that process of stop trying to be the man. I was still trying to be the man. You know what? I just got fired from my job. I don't know if I'm really going to have a career. You know what, "I'm going to be the next big thing in Hollywood." I was still kind of in that mind-set. And I've changed now.

On what's next for Coach Wade:

I think that I'm at a point in time - I know things can happen in Hollywood. All the agents that I've talked to have said, "You've got to move to L.A." I went to L.A. When I left here, I went to LA. I did what I said … I don't know. I don't know if it's me or not. As far as living in L.A., getting commercials, getting print ads, getting small parts, getting bigger parts - I know I can do that. But, man, living in L.A., and that lifestyle, I don't know if it's me. I think opportunities can happen.

I think it's going to be something big. I'm going to take 10 people (to the Amazon for a film). It's a totally new concept. … At first I was thinking about a reality show, now I'm thinking about a reality movie. I'll say that. But "The Dragon Slayer and the Princess" - that kind of stuff that's going to make a mockery out of me - I'm not calling myself the Dragon Slayer - but stuff like that that's going to deface me, I don't have any interest in. Never say never … but something like that, I really don't have any interest in.

I know I'm going to have two offers from community colleges in coaching. I want to still be a coach, I want to get into public speaking more. We'll see what opens up. It's a total state of limbo. I've never been in this. Right now, I should be gearing up to try to get to the playoffs next year. I should be recruiting for 2011. To be at this point in my life, it's, like, "What are you going to do?" It's pretty tough.

One thing I know for sure: I'm really going to focus on my symphony. The Susanville (Calif.) symphony has been very, very good to me in the last 7-8 years …

On his favorite parts of "Survivor":

I loved the meditation down there. One of my favorite things was just stripping away the shackles of society, getting down to the basics.

On Exile Island, I knew it was going to be a special episode because I heard murmurings about Episode 13. Most of time on exile, there's, like, 15 seconds of footage on exile. For them to play, like, three minutes straight of my stay on exile was a big honor for me. I explored in every direction for two hours. Found jungle, found swamp, big cat prints right there. These big cats are walking right there, at night. My stay on exile was awesome. If I had known it was going to be like that, I would have raised my hand earlier in the game. … It was unbelievable. I loved it.

When Debbie went home - (host Jeff Probst) was asking lot of questions. "Coach, you're playing this honesty game. It's going to come back to haunt you." … At that tribal, he said, "You're going to get the short end of the stick, Coach. Everybody can see right through you. You're transparent. You're not lying to people. You're not playing the game. You're not strategizing. You're not scrambling. You're going to leave with the short end of the stick." He said that to bait me.

I thought about it, and I said, "You know what, Jeff? You, your audience, my tribe mates up there, the producers - you're all waiting for that moment when I slip so that you can point your finger at me and say, 'You're just like everyone else. You compromised yourself to win this game.' And I said you know what? I'll never compromise. So if I don't compromise and I leave on my own terms, I get the big end of the stick."

Did he leave with the big end of the stick?

I do. I understand that you carry that banner into that battlefield of deception that "Survivor" is and that Hollywood is - how many people lie to win the game? Everybody did. It wasn't a big deal. … Without question, I don't think I played perfectly. I think I made mistakes. I could have been much less arrogant at the beginning. That would have helped me a lot with the viewers - they would have seen a more penitent man. I wish I would have done things differently, but as far as keeping my word and being loyal and trying to take the stronger players to the game, I think I set out what I accomplished.

There's always going to be the detractors out there. But it's tough because you look - if you believe everything that I say and I hope you do, and I hope everybody does - if you look at the beginning when I turned down "Survivor," I was trying to be honorable. You look at me being persecuted by everybody out there because I'm a liar and that's why I got fired, because I lied and told my boss that I was going to be gone for a week - which I didn't - and if you look at the game when I gave away my food, and I went one-on-one with everybody. When you look at all these things that I've done, I've tried to do the right thing. I'm not perfect, but I've tried to do the right thing. And I've been crucified. I've been made to look in the worst light. I've been made to be a fool, and I was only trying to do things different.

I faced a lot of persecution for that. In the Beatitudes it talks a lot about - Jesus saying blessed are you when you're ridiculed and persecuted - all sorts of slanderous things because of me. I don't think anybody would have cared two wits about me had I started out the game saying, "I'm going to lie, cheat and steal to win this game." They would have said, "Yeah, he's a (jerk) so we just write him off." But I think it was a slap to everybody's face that I said, "I want to take the strongest to the end, and I'm not going to tell a lie." That was part of the reason. The other part was because I came across very arrogant. I share responsibility for that, but, man, I feel like the most misunderstood man in America sometimes. I try to do the right things, and what's resulting is I'm one of the worst 10 people, Yahoo! says, in the world.

How many people do you know - how many people would have said, "Oh, yeah, I'm on 'Survivor,' screw the team!" Nine out of 10. I didn't. How many people would have said, "I'm going to go without so others can have?" One out of 1,000. I feel like I've been under persecution for standing up for what I thought was right, but that's a chance you take.